Nothing happens to me that has not first passed through His hands.....(read this somwhere, it's not an original quote)

Being a mother is never easy. You are in a position of extreme vulnerability, your weaknesses are exposed, your patience tried, your heart taken out of your body and laid bare for all to see. You learn that you are on standby 24-7-365. You are everything to your children when they are born. impacting everything in their lives. I am a mother of 2 very special little girls. They tug at my heart strings more so because of what they have already overcome in their young lives.I call them One and Two.
When One was 3months old, she was extremely ill and had to be hospitalised. She was diagnosed with Reflux in her bladder. Since then her health has always been something which brought much anxiety for my husband and I. 4 Years later we went through a period of intense emotional pain when noone could tell us what was wrong with her. Tests (incl TB, Cancer and AIDS/HIV) and doctors could not help. But, she had a small operation to remove her tonsils and Wow! She recovered and has to date, not experienced the same symptoms.We are grateful to God for the supports He put in place to help us through that time. Finally, last year she had an operation to fix the reflux in her bladder. When she was ill one day, she asked why she couldn't go out and play like her cousins. I answered the only way I knew, "only God knows..." and she decided to ask God. Raising her eyes to the heavens, she said "Jesus, why I gotta be so sick. Please heal me.U betta heal me."
When I look back and see all that One has been through I am humbled by the Hand of God in everything.

When Two was born, she was well. 10 Months later she was diagnosed as having Type I Diabetes, after going into Diabetic Ketone Acidosis. She was immediately put onto an Insulin Pump and our relocation from South Africa to Australia was put on hold, while we dealt with this. Eventually, we moved to Adelaide and started going to WCH in Adelaide. We have a good doctor and good nurse educators who advised us to upgrade Two to a new pump which would better manage her insulin delivery. Hallelujah! We are now on a Medtronic MiniMed Pump, colour Blue (Two's favourite colour). It's been 2 weeks and we are still transitioning, still dealing with the challenges that come from anything new.

7 years ago, I could not have imagined my life being this way. I could not imagine having my Faith tried and tested like this. A friend told me when I was at my lowest not ask "Why L:ord Why?" but to know that God in His Wisdom knew what was already happening.

I struggle to pray, to commit again to the Lord in the way I have always been committed. I struggle to talk to Him and tell Him I love Him, afraid of what could happen to me. I am afraid to lay my soul bare before Him. I think back to when the girls were sick and I know that the anger that I feel because if all that has happened to them is what is holding me back.Don't get me wrong, I love the Lord, I know He Loves Me. But, being intimate with Him scares me so much..... I have become the person who goes to church because that is what I have always done. I pray, but am afraid to let go. I sing to Him instead, because I can stop when I want to. I am a good person, I am kind to people, care for my family,. tell the truth, don't steal, helpful, do the right thing almost always. But this niggling little feeling I have reminds of a primitive bond I am missing. A friend defined primitive bond as "early in existence or development; a self defining bond; those which cannot be replaced or eradicated; almost evolutionary." (used with permission).

This is the bond I share with the Lord... primitive. Something which has always existed in my life, a bond which defines me, it cannot be replaced or eradicated. It is evolutionary and must grow as I grow.
Lord, help me find the way, bring me back to you.....

What is the measure of a good friend?

I had a wonderful cyber-chat with an old friend today. Not old as in age, old as in the number of years we have known each other. It always amazes me at how much we have to talk about even though we have lived in different countries for such a long time. She married when she was in her 20's and her children are now teenagers. I married when I turned 30 and mine are still babies.... We are in different stages of life, yet we are in the same place...
Quite often we gossip, but mostly we just chat. She helps me to destress after or before (haha!) a long day or when I just need a chat. There are no pretences or airs and flairs.... just honest-to-goodness friendship and for this I am grateful. She just is a good friend. Today she commented on my current experience with FB friends: What's sitting in your heart if you see only the points to be criticised rather than those to be shouted from the rooftops as blessings or worse, see the need to criticise where there none- or to do so because of your own insecurities

So then what is the measure of a good friend? For me, it is someone who knows me and knows that I am imperfect, a work in progress - God's work in progress. And loves me just the same....

Finally

The Procrastinator has finally done what she has threatened to do... started a blog! Yay. It's Sunday and I am not at church... what do you think of that?? I am blogging instead.